Leaving.

Summer


I haven’t written in days, and I am so sorry about that. It’s just, I’m leaving soon. Im leaving this bubble of familiarity and comfort and knowingness and I haven’t quite digested it, yet. I would hate to write under a façade of stability or certainty. I don’t feel very stable or certain right now. Basically, I am going to college.

I fight with my mom quite often, and it’s nothing but sour little tiffs and misunderstandings, but I feel like it’s so unnecessary. She is the only one who will be crying over my absence, since I don’t really have a relationship with someone who would cry over my physical absence other than her. I’m not like anyone else in the family, and this is something I’ve been confident in forever, and something my mother is quite confident in too when it comes to herself. I know I have this air of stubbornness, adamancy, and cynicism, however it isn’t meant to be mistaken for being condescending. In fact, if I am like this with you – if I envelope you in this air, it’s because I love you. And I am honest with you about who I am. And most of the time, this cynicism and dryness isn’t mean to patronize you. It’s mostly a sense of humor I want to dowse you in, because like I said, I love you. My mother doesn’t understand this at most times, and so now I am worried that people I try to become friends with won’t either. They’ll think I’m looking down upon them or criticizing them and it is so frustrating because I never want to hurt anyone. I never have the intention to. This dry humor and this sarcasm isn’t a personal poke at your contrasting naivety or literalness, you know? I’m just like this. If my mother doesn’t know this, then who will? This worries me. Will I have to leave this behind?

I’ve always been the new girl. The longest I’ve stayed in one place is five years. I’m good at readjusting; I favor my understanding and adaptability of the new place I am to please the new people I am surrounded by. I make sure other people are okay with me, this new person, and I try my best to be okay with them. Going to college is the first time it won’t really be this way. The environment isn’t set in stone. Everyone is new. Everyone is trying to uncover the characteristics of this expected environment that is haphazardly plastered with hook-up culture, expensive textbooks, and complaints about cafeteria money and empty bank accounts. I don’t know how to favor my understanding and adaptability past this, and even into this quite frankly. I don’t know how to please anyone and make them comfortable around me because they’ll already be uncomfortable in the first place in this new phase of their lives. I have nothing to mesh into except the unknown. I have to adapt to this world of spontaneity and unexpectedness, because while I was doing all this planning for the past 18 years, I forgot to plan what came after this phase. I forgot to plan for the feelings and the thoughts and the actions during and past this phase. I have nothing to clutch onto and hope for except, well, myself. I’m leaving the known behind.

I move into college in 18 days. And for the past 18 years, I’ve been planning for this moment, and this time, and even this period of waiting and yet, I am sitting here wondering what’s next. All I know is that I’m leaving.

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3 thoughts on “Leaving.

  1. Making friends should not be a problem for you at all, most people really enjoy honesty even when they can’t admit it. My only disclaimer is, I have been told before that sarcasm is like making tiny cuts on someone’s heart. For a while, they don’t notice it, or they laugh along with you, but one day those small cuts add up and they realize how much they have been hurt by sarcasm. I, myself am currently working on lessening my sarcasm, and who I use it to/in front of because I don’t want to hurt the ones I love (even though it’s how I show my love). Going to college is very intimidating, but I think with your readjusting abilities, you will handle it well. Best of Luck, and so happy I got to meet you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh thank you so much for your comment. And that makes so much sense, what you said about sarcasm. I’m glad we share the same sense of humor so that you were able to share this piece of advice with me. Thank you so much, I’m happy I got to meet you as well, and hopefully we can meet again soon!

      Like

  2. Being honest is very important but sarcasm is different… People like to be friends with honest people, don’t worry you get good friends good luck with it… Don’t fight very often with your mom but be honest 😜😜
    Good luck with your college… 😊😊

    Like

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