I haven’t written in days, and I am so sorry about that. It’s just, I’m leaving soon. Im leaving this bubble of familiarity and comfort and knowingness and I haven’t quite digested it, yet. I would hate to write under a façade of stability or certainty. I don’t feel very stable or certain right now. Basically, I am going to college.
I fight with my mom quite often, and it’s nothing but sour little tiffs and misunderstandings, but I feel like it’s so unnecessary. She is the only one who will be crying over my absence, since I don’t really have a relationship with someone who would cry over my physical absence other than her. I’m not like anyone else in the family, and this is something I’ve been confident in forever, and something my mother is quite confident in too when it comes to herself. I know I have this air of stubbornness, adamancy, and cynicism, however it isn’t meant to be mistaken for being condescending. In fact, if I am like this with you – if I envelope you in this air, it’s because I love you. And I am honest with you about who I am. And most of the time, this cynicism and dryness isn’t mean to patronize you. It’s mostly a sense of humor I want to dowse you in, because like I said, I love you. My mother doesn’t understand this at most times, and so now I am worried that people I try to become friends with won’t either. They’ll think I’m looking down upon them or criticizing them and it is so frustrating because I never want to hurt anyone. I never have the intention to. This dry humor and this sarcasm isn’t a personal poke at your contrasting naivety or literalness, you know? I’m just like this. If my mother doesn’t know this, then who will? This worries me. Will I have to leave this behind?
I’ve always been the new girl. The longest I’ve stayed in one place is five years. I’m good at readjusting; I favor my understanding and adaptability of the new place I am to please the new people I am surrounded by. I make sure other people are okay with me, this new person, and I try my best to be okay with them. Going to college is the first time it won’t really be this way. The environment isn’t set in stone. Everyone is new. Everyone is trying to uncover the characteristics of this expected environment that is haphazardly plastered with hook-up culture, expensive textbooks, and complaints about cafeteria money and empty bank accounts. I don’t know how to favor my understanding and adaptability past this, and even into this quite frankly. I don’t know how to please anyone and make them comfortable around me because they’ll already be uncomfortable in the first place in this new phase of their lives. I have nothing to mesh into except the unknown. I have to adapt to this world of spontaneity and unexpectedness, because while I was doing all this planning for the past 18 years, I forgot to plan what came after this phase. I forgot to plan for the feelings and the thoughts and the actions during and past this phase. I have nothing to clutch onto and hope for except, well, myself. I’m leaving the known behind.
I move into college in 18 days. And for the past 18 years, I’ve been planning for this moment, and this time, and even this period of waiting and yet, I am sitting here wondering what’s next. All I know is that I’m leaving.