Boy(s), Part II

Spring

tumblr_m8ne67paex1qdyx5ko1_500This post isn’t just about me and my awfulness and my tragic mistakes. It’s about the potential you, the you that could also experience similar awfulness and tragedy. It’s hard to write this and not because I will be writing about everything I went through, but because I have to emotionally recollect everything I went through. I wish I could ignore everything that happened but I can’t because sometimes if we tell other people about our past and the things we’ve learned, we can help them.

I’ve done a lot of wrong and I try to find loopholes to excuse myself for the pain I caused and the dishonesty I poured, but when there were times that it wasn’t my fault, I presented those loopholes and excuses to the person that didn’t deserve it. Don’t do that.

This post isn’t just an emotional outlet for me; it’s for you.

I won’t say that this post is dedicated to someone, especially the person that I am writing about because that would be giving him too much credit for all the pain I went through. I also won’t say that it’s fully about someone, because this is also about me and about what I learned. So, I am going to skip all of the history that began two years ago, and summarize it into this: You know the beginning of a relationship, the part when it’s all great and bubblegum pink and overwhelming and sticky? Yes, that was how it started, but what really matters is what the greatness and bubblegum pinkly-ness and overwhelmingness and stickiness turned into, and I can put that into one word: Toxicity.

I don’t think love is what everyone expects it to be all the time. I think it mostly forms in the most normal, humanely ways possible because love is a very human concept. But, a lot of us don’t seem to be satisfied with our stories. And, I think sometimes we push and squeeze the person we supposedly care about down to the last drop of what they’re made of so they can fit the story we want, and they can turn into what they were never supposed to be. It’s not really anyone’s fault, except maybe love’s.

There are different types of inevitables, and one of them is change. Change can lead to anything. In my case, it lead to multiple things, and as of right now, I still cannot properly place my finger on what exact position he and I are in. There are lessons that I have learned from him – from us – that I think you should know, too. If I was prepared for any of this, for anything that happened, I could have avoided or at least properly dealt with my pain and the situation in its entirety instead of torturing myself and letting myself be tortured. Although I know better now and although I am aware of the rights and the wrongs, the do’s and the don’ts, I may have learned a little too late which is why I still find myself struggling with the situation today.

Don’t be with someone who manipulates you into thinking you’re the one to blame when you’re not. Yes, there were times when I was wrong, when I had done something that was so obviously stupid – but I made sure I took the blame for it. But there were times when he was wrong, so unbelievably wrong and stupid, and he would pretend to be oblivious – “What? I didn’t do anything?” “It’s not a big deal!” – and then proceed to turn it around on me -“You’re being a crazy bitch!” “I wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t make me so stressed all the time!”. All of the awful things he did that made me feel extremely hopeless and weak suddenly became my fault. If I wasn’t a certain way, he wouldn’t have done it, and we could be happy. I was wrong for thinking like that. The right person for you would confront their mistakes and never repeat them. Not manipulate you into feeling like shit. Don’t let anyone trick you into thinking there’s something wrong with you.

Don’t be with anyone that makes you feel like you are a burden on him/her. It wasn’t unusual for me to be told that I am “stressful” to be around when I would try to point out something that he did, “annoying” when I would try to hold a conversation, or a “burden” when I would try to talk about how I was feeling. None of this is true. These are things two people in a relationship have to deal with while being together – listening to each other, dealing with each other, tolerating each other – and it was stupid of me to think that it was fair to him, and even myself, to have these duties towards anyone but my own family and myself. At that point, instead of making me feel like he was obligated to “take care of me”, we should have just broken up and moved on with our lives and lived like how we were supposed to live without thrusting seemingly adult duties upon each other. There are some people out there that will really love to be around you and help you when you feel down even when you feel insane, and these are the people who you should take a chance on. They’re adult enough to understand that you’re human.

Don’t be with anyone that makes you feel like nothing you do helps him/her. Boy would text me when he and his mother got into a fight. They’re pretty bad fights too, not the kind that just soothes itself into calmness, and you end up finding yourself and your mother watching E! News on the couch together. They were the “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW” kind of fights. I would do my best to talk to him, calm him down, explain to him that he had only little time left before college, and his response only displayed his dissatisfaction with the advice or comfort I tried to give him. It felt awful. So, I tried to listen; I wouldn’t say anything and I would just sigh or comment as he talked, or I would just let him spam me with text messages until he was drained out. He would say, “Well, I guess you don’t care” or “Wow you don’t give a shit sorry for bothering you.” I could never win. I felt helpless and useless, and it was worse when I did try to help and he would tell me that he hated me and to leave him alone. Don’t let anyone make you feel this way. You should be grateful for the people that care about you, and they should be grateful if you care about them.

Don’t be with anyone who can’t handle or recognize his/her own emotions. Sometimes we all feel this way; we’re confused about who we are and what we want and how we feel, but it isn’t healthy to constantly feel that way and to exert that kind of unhealthy complexity onto someone else. A lot of times everything just got translated into anger, and he would be angry and frustrated for no reason, and he would just be so mean for no reason. He would even admit that he had no reason, but that it made him feel better to treat me this way. Yeah, that’s crazy. Stay away from that.
I can barely put into words how scary and self-destructive it can be to be around someone who makes you feel like he is constantly in control of your emotions and your self-worth. It is ultimately the most dangerous thing, no matter how petty relationships can seem – people destroy each other. I think that’s very frightening.
These are simply the things I have learned and I am trying to place into my life so I can avoid ever dealing with what I dealt with for such a long time. I never want to go back to that. I never want you to get yourself into that. I wish this boy story was happier, or at least less saturnine, so I could give you detailed stories to scare you out of ever putting up with what I put up with, and to give you strength to be able to get out of that kind of situation if it ever happens. But I can’t because I am afraid so maybe one day I’ll be able to talk about it. Emotional scarring doesn’t feel intangible to me at all because there were days I could just see it, so I wouldn’t want anyone else to see what they don’t have to. As of right now, at least. Maybe one day I’ll be ready.
Watercolor quote: sayitwith-watercolor.tumblr.com
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