Here’s something that I must admit after years of trying to shove it down the deepest parts of my mind and conscience: I am boy crazy.
Now, I am not as boy-crazy as I was up until the beginning of my sophomore year of high school; probably because I had a boyfriend (actually, I don’t know what he was – man candy? Beau? Fwb? My man friend? My plus-one? I still don’t know) for quite a long time. But before that, and yes, during periods in which my Beau and I were taking a “break”, I seemed to desire love not dissimilar to Young Adult Fiction. I am almost 99.9% positive that this boy-craziness is derived from reading too many Young Adult books at a too impressionable age.
The main reason I haven’t written about boys yet is because:
1. I do not want to be slut shamed (although I can handle it – I should be able to by now)
2. My family reads my blog (although I trust that they can understand that I am human and also a real-life straight teenage girl and that I am not perfect despite my grades being so)
This post is dedicated to two boys who have made an impression in my life, however short of an appearance in it. No, I did not love them (I don’t know what love is – this is the whole point) but for some reason, they’re like characters in books I’ve read, except that I’m not the right female protagonist for them, which is why they deserve to be written about. There is in fact a third boy, but he deserves a post all to himself.
I met a boy, and I am going to name him Chad* because it suits his personality more than his real name does, and also, I don’t want to reveal who he really is. I met him last year during summer and I instantly was drawn to him because he had an awfully friendly face and a friendly personality to go along with it. He was also the quintessential blond hair blue-eyed boy, and little did I know he was also the quintessential party boy.
I don’t remember much of our first conversation except that he was very flirtatious and very funny, and being around him made me want to be the type of person I never had the guts to be – adventurous, confident, unpredictable. But, I was always scared to become any of those things, and instead of trying to be rooted in who I was and who I wanted to be at that time, I always tried telling him that he was living his life wrongly and dangerously.
“You’re going to die fast.”
“I don’t care, at least I was happy while I was alive.”
“You could get caught.”
“But I haven’t, and I won’t.”
“You won’t remember anything.”
“That’s the beauty of it.”
He was exactly the opposite of me, but at the same time I liked being around him although his presence kind of felt like a constant reminder that I was going to die soon, and an internal conflict between wanting to be the planned, predictable person that I was, and feeling the need to be the adventurous, impulsive person that he was, all because of the inevitable. He was like a clock, personified. Tick tick tick tick. “Id rather live a quick and exciting life than a long boring one. When my time comes it comes, it doesn’t matter as long as I go out doing something I love.” If you’ve read The Spectacular Now, Chad can literally be compared to Sutter at the beginning, except that I think it may be too late for change. Hopefully I am wrong.
Despite not being as initially flirtatious as Chad and I were, Luke* seemed to be the epitome of the fictitious boys I have been reading about since the fifth grade. Not only is he brilliant – the smartest and most characteristic person I have ever come across – but he is humble. When I first met him, he seemed to be just an easy going person that moved around with everyone, and that everyone liked to be around. He had blond hair and blue eyes, too, but he was far from quintessential. He had the best smile, the kind that went all the way up to his eyes and to his ears, and I just thought he was the most perfect friend ever, the most perfect human being, but I wasn’t interested in him. Don’t ask me why, and don’t ask yourself why I wouldn’t be interested in a person that I’m fawning over, but if you have to know, it was because I thought he didn’t notice me, and also my friend thought he was cute, and there are rules apparently, even when it’s just a two week camp and nothing has to matter if you don’t want it to. Instead, decided to be around a guy that didn’t think I mattered in the grand scheme of his life, and I decided the same, too. If I was going to pick my summer crush, I’d pick someone temporary. Luke could never be temporary – he’s the type of person you’d never want to forget, and the type of person you couldn’t. The reason these explanations about him are so vague and obscure is because he is vague and obscure; you feel like he is the most charming, interesting, intelligent person, but you can’t pinpoint exactly why, especially since he comes off as so normal.
Despite quick conversations and much teasing on either side, and despite trying to convince myself that I wasn’t interested in keeping him in my life (see? I lied), we ended up keeping in touch even after summer ended. We either never texted each other, or binged texted each other for days in a row. Although periods of never talking were there, it wasn’t like we forgot each other, because at least to me, he was always there.
Once when he asked me how I was doing, what I was up to, I told him that I was doing nothing, that I felt lonely, but relationships were stupid so I didn’t want to be in one, and so I was stuck, or something along the lines of that. He responded with, “Well, I don’t mind being alone. I’m only 17 after all. But I always figured that the best part of a relationship would be having someone next to you on the cab ride home every night.”
YES, HE ALWAYS SAID AWESOME THINGS LIKE THAT! He was the best things; normal, unique, funny, sad – all at once. I wrote a letter for him a month or two ago and crumpled it up and threw it away. I tried to text him the other day and I didn’t know the right things to say. I don’t know when, or if, I’ll ever see him again, and even though he matters, I am kind of afraid that I won’t anymore, although if I was in this situation with someone else, he would simply tell me that life goes on.
My mother always told me to stay away from boys; partly because of my Indian culture (which I don’t always agree with, obviously) and partly because of the common sense factors in being a teenage girl and being around teenage boys. I think I chose the right boys, if that’s possible. I know Chad didn’t live his life the “right” way, the way I thought life should be lived, but he taught me how important it is to savor every moment – drunk or sober (sober, most likely, in my case) of what you’re doing, and to do what you think is right for yourself. Luke, a spiritual entity all to himself, taught me the importance of intangibility, of balancing vulnerability and intelligence and strength and happiness. He also believed in me, like really believed in me when I didn’t, and he turned out to be right. And although I made two good choices when it came to deciding who to let into my life, I made some awful ones, and some confusing ones, and some irreversible ones, and that’s where the third boy comes in.
Chad*, for the preppy, outgoing douchebag
Luke*, for the unsuspecting rich kid