I let my anger control me.
It constantly consumes me and the things that I do on a daily basis. My writing feels like a facade like a way to stab people that hurt me, my makeup feels like a purposefully intimidating mask, my music sounds like a detriment to my sanity. It is really frightening because I become an entirely different person, the version of Upasna that God doesn’t really want people to see but that is still a part of who I am.
I wish I could write a post on How to Control Your Anger from Controlling You or something like that but I truly couldn’t write that without being a hypocrite. So, for all the people out there that let their anger consume them and vandalize the best version of themselves, read this post, and maybe it’ll make you realize how awful it is to your soul to be bitter, and the importance of letting that anger and bitterness out. I think a lot of my anger stems from the environment at school. Maybe it has to do with being stuck seeing the same people for five days of the week, but I know a lot of people have friends to eat lunch with and to walk to class with and to look at and sneak inside jokes during class with. It sucks because I don’t really have that, and I wish I could say this without sounding like a brat that is ungrateful for all of the other things that I’ve been given in my life that a lot of other people haven’t necessarily been given. But it makes me so angry to see camaraderie and then to look in the mirror and see someone that can’t has never been a part of it or had it. I am way past the sad phase, I am just so angry about it. I am really really angry at my ex. I know my mother and my family members constantly tell me that I am too young to date or to feel angry about an ex or to even have an ex but it happened and there’s nothing I can really do about it at this point. I know I am smart in other ways but it is sincerely hard being in a relationship with someone and then have it end in bitterness and angry and spite. What would a smart girl do? Get over it? I guess I’m not that smart then, my emotional intelligence may be lacking to some, but I am allowed to have feelings. I just have to figure out how to not let it all control me and make me cry in the middle of class or walk through the halls looking sour and negative. Maybe I should’ve listened to my mother. I am angry at myself for being angry about the numerous Facebook updates on college acceptances to super elite/competitive colleges. Granted, some people have worked extra hard at figuring out how to get into college when their parents aren’t really sure how to help them or guide them. They’ve gotten in without the advantage of private school or high socioeconomic status. I commend that. I completely and utterly admire that. Maybe I am extremely immature for feeling this way and I may not sound like an intellect when I say that it is extremely difficult to be congratulatory of people who come from affluent families and have connections and go to private school where their teachers guide them into getting into elite colleges get in. And then post about all of their acceptances. If you have the money to attend or if your parents have the money to donate, then I am not surprised about your acceptance. Yes, there are plenty of underdogs at elite colleges, but what about us normal, smart kids who do have talents and skills and uniqueness – but simply don’t have enough money, or too little money? I really do not want to sound bitter. If you have read Daniel Golden’s The Price of Admission then you know that coming from a wealthy family and having the ability to attend an elite university is evidently correlated. “Golden tells us that the admissions process, at least at the 100 top colleges and universities, is not a meritocracy — and exactly who thought it was? — but a marketplace. Every spot is up for bid. Some people bid with intelligence, which has obvious worth to the institution; some with cold cash, with its certain value; and others with the currency of connections and influence and relationships that serve the institution’s interests” (Wolff). I respect the people who have taken advantage of their greater privilege and developed non-profits/other organizations and are truly making a difference amongst our youth today and in the world, overall. They have taken their ability to influence and made use of their connections to actually do something with pure intentions – no resume padding. But, like Daniel Golden says, “hard-won privilege should not be trumped by greater privilege” (Wolff). I should bring up my uncle who I respect and look up to the most, and who went to a state school and now works for a fantastic corporation and is truly self-made. I probably feels amazing to be purely self-made like that. Saying “[Insert elite name here] Class of 2019” probably feels good, too, but so does “Hey I went to a no-name school but I still make as much money as you do!” That’s it friends, that’s my anger vomit for the week. I know sometimes my thoughts and feelings may be extremely unreasonable, wrong, and basically invalid in the world of high intellect, but that’s what being angry is, sometimes.